| exhibit |
[Dec. 17th, 2004|08:59 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  numb | ] |
So. My legs are numb. I'm sick. I haven't been actually sick enough to stay home in.... maybe ever. But I didn't go to school wensday and came home yesterday. I've been watching Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind far too much recently. It rubbs me the right way, if a movie was to rub. Eh, I take it back, it doesn't rub me. But I like it. It makes me cry, but most things do now. We had to return it yesterday, problem solved, aye?
(we'll see, I have a blockbustercard. And sorry to all my faithfull Hollywood Video friends)
My mom has been letting me drive. I love driving. Its not even the control, its the freedom. I've been driving everyday now. So I should probably start actually getting my permit. In January...
I'm leaving for my dad's soon. I've decided I'm scared shitless of my dad. I feel like I'm supposed to know him, but I don't. He was never around. It's not like he really even calls that often, every few months, maybe. So I have to go up there and pretend to be personal. I'm planning on locking myself in a room, and smoking all his weed, and painting for days. For some reason, time doesn't apply there. I just stay awake all the time. Except maybe around noon, then I take a nap. My dad's house is the only place I play video games. I like video games, I would kick your butt at video games, that goes for all of you.
So, just as I'm getting my life together on one front, it falls apart on another. I'm sorry Lindsay. I guess I won't go into it here. And I talked to Sami, in Germany, on the phone yesterday. It's funny how far we've slipped apart. She's doing just great, which is good for her. I can't think about that either. This kid I knew in Germany, Daniel Sugui, is in San Jose right now. That is so strange to me. I couldn't handle running into him, it would shatter... something. I'm so detached from that place now.
I got my sat II scores in, but I don't know what is good, or bad for that matter. Its just a number to me, what was I aiming for? 800? Anyways. I should get to class.
Just another fucked up day in San Jose. Gotta get to class. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 6th, 2004|05:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
It's not like "I'm back." I just feel like writing here for a bit. I've been so mellow recently, well, not exactly. I've been so stressed out. Why won't a college just accept me??? They keep sending me all this shit in the mail. "We are pleased you are thinking about joining... blah blah blah." But you haven't even let me know if I got in or not. Fuck you. I'm thinking about applying at The American University in Paris. Eh... I can't believe I spend so much time doing in school work. Life sucks when that's all you do. (yeah... that's not all I do, but you know) I spent the last two nights way too stoned and I'm out of weed. soon to be reconciled. I have to work tomorrow, when I really mean clean some lady's house. I hate being a maid. It's so degrading. But I'm planning on gettting a job in Feb., when school lightens up. I just can't wait to get on with things. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 15th, 2004|12:36 am] |
We read a poem today about a penis.... (or onion?)... today in class. It made me laugh so ridiculously hard. Damn, your silly. Or maybe I should grow up.
But tell me you wouldn't laugh at the description of a fuzzy beast wrestling a long stick, to put in her pantry. I can't even.... no words. unless I posted the poem, which would be far too much energy exerted by myself in this sitting.
I hate school. yup. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 11th, 2004|06:59 pm] |
No matter what they say, blood doesn't really smell. Anyone who says, "I love the smell of blood" is full of shit. It is beautiful though. Its perfect, blood that is.
I have a saturday art class. Besides the fact that it's on saturday, it's not that bad. I can't wait till we get out of this remedial shit though, 'cause I need to express something, get all of this shit out of my fucking system.
I hate.... |
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| Do tears count? |
[Sep. 11th, 2004|09:18 am] |
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God fucking damn it..... why won't it rain. Rain makes it all better. The fucking sun is depressing the hell out of me. I was way too high last night. And I need to cry |
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| pay me |
[Aug. 24th, 2004|10:17 pm] |
I feel like sighing really really big. Or maybe crying or screaming, but in a good way. Today was good, yesterday was good. And all the ups and downs of my fucked up life are exhilarating. Like a rush to the head. Drugs and sex all at once, but without the shitty after effects. It's one of those few short times in life where you just think "Everything will be okay." I'm in a good place. I'm happy to have been where I've been. I'm happy to be two days away from seventeen, addicted to nicotine, mending a broken heart. I know everything will work out and I haven't completely fucked up my life or future.
So, I have school tomorrow. School. Such an ugly word. I'm nervous and excited. But I know this year is on me, and I hope I don't do what I did last year. Just completely let it go, I got lazy
I talked to Steven today. It was hard and I cried for a long time. I haven't cried over it in awhile, but even that was okay, something I needed to do and might have been holding in. I just kept telling myself I needed to get over it, move on. And I should. Everyday I wish it just could have gone right. But it didn't and there will be other loves. I'm looking forward to that.
I talked to an old fling today and realized it wasen't as bad as I made it. I was a bitch to him, but "it's in the past. That was then, this is now." (In his words) And I returned some libraray books from the begining of the summer that had racked up a 300 dollar fine, which I owe transient_rain. I wa so worried about it, but maybe even that will get worked out and I won't have to tell my mom.
My mom had a date over tonight, and wanted me out of the house, which is gross 'cause I know she's on the pill. I'm praying to god it's for hormones or something though.
I also hung out with another guy kinda form the past. It was a situation I didnt exactly handle well, and hopefully I did alittle better today. I guess I learned alot, but things there were mostly resolved. We got coffee, and cigarettes for me. We spoke of the world ending and fucking up our kids.
I love talking of everything.
And I'm rambling again.
But I'm gonna go paint my nails and try to sleep so I can get up at the god awful hour of seven. Yeah, in the morning.
Night to all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2004|09:30 am] |
It feels like summer is coming to an end. I forget that the real world continues to spin while us students get to waste countless days away. Summer is the time for forgetting what day of the week it is. And even that doesn't really matter.
It's been a strange couple of weeks. Oregon was fun except... I literally got high every single day. That was stupid, but I can't turn down free homegrown medical Mary Jane. It's just not right. With school starting I sall cut back on that. My sleeping pattern was completely fucked, I stayed up 'till five every morning and woke up no earlier than one. It's weird to go there, I can't really call it home anymore. It brings back old feelings of abandonment and uncertainty. I link Oregon to my childhood. It was alot smaller than I remembered, small, conquered.
And my week at Abby's has been just dandy. Abby and I have made it through the week without killing each other, and actually without fighting too much. I now officially talk more hick than she does. The whole place is hick. I've watched Blue Collar Comedy Tour more times than I care to admit. "You know your a redneck when..." Haha. Last night we went out with acouple guys and Abby got friendly with a hick named Tater. Speaking of, that was pretty much my first time out (as in a date date) since... I'm still all confused about that. I have problems in the relationship departement and someone is gonna end up hurt. Anyways, more on that later. Tony was sweet, payed for everything and shit, tried to hold my hand, I reckon that's 'nuf said.
More later, I gotta go pack 'fore I miss my plane |
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| visit me every day |
[Aug. 2nd, 2004|08:07 pm] |
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Oregon needs to do something. About it's complete lack of life. And this key board has a sticky space bar. Damn it to hell. So I'll keep this short.I'm in Eugene now. Not doing too much as of yet. Chillin. But The Princess Bride just came on and you know what that means... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 22nd, 2004|12:09 am] |
I hate it when I feel like summer is rushing by and all at once your missing everything... oh well.
Hmm, I went to Santa Cruz with Lindsay and Adam and we ended up sitting by this fire with this huge group of wierd guys. I thought it was pretty funny... and really akward at the same time. Somehow I have become the official spokesperson, the one who has to talk to strangers because their are such pussies. yes. pussy.
The night before I played this awsome card game with Ben, Chris, and Lindsay. It was called once upon a time and involved theses cards with either a charter, place, or aspect... and basically you had to tell a story and get rid of all your cards. I totally dominated. I stayed up 'till five and woke up the next morning to Lindsay whinig in my ear.
I hung out with Michael for the first time in a long time. I missed him more than I realized. We had an airsoft gun war thing... which I lost, barely. When I was still figuring out the gun I accidently shot him straight in the ass, from about a foot away. He wasen't so happy about that. Eh, he lived.
Otherwise I'm still taking my classes in Frisco. Last time I was super tired though and literally fell asleep on my drawing twice. Ah, but I'm beginning to love this whole falling asleep on the train thing. very nice.
I leave for Oregon on the July 31st after my final exhibition- the art class thing. I'm gonna stay with my brother, which is always a blast. Then I'm going up to visit one of my old best friends from germany, who now lives in Washington. We haven't exactly gotten along the last few visits and she has money on us getting in a fist fight. I'd kick her ass, and she knows it. Then I'll be back the 17th and I can hopefully catch some concerts with Adam and Lindsay.
Wow, this entry had absoluely no reason to even be. But hey, neither do most people's. So deal. |
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| flushed |
[Jul. 18th, 2004|12:21 pm] |
You really don't want to read more. It's a bunch of self pitying, stupid shit. If I was sitting where you are I'd be the one saying "who gives a shit, just go kill yourself." There, I saved you the time, so fuck off.
( Read more... )
Otherwise, life has been great. I spen the last week between Monteray and Santa Cruz at a beach house with Lindsay's family. It was an amazing house in itself with the most amazing view of the beach. It didn't have much other than that though and most of ours days consisted of swimming, hot tubbing and napping- what a summer- let me tell you. But we went to Sanat Cruz acouple days and down to the Monteray Bay aquarium, which would be a great spot for a date. It was fun and I probably needed that rest.
We had a fire on the beach the other night. That was fun although I was almost killed acouple times- mostly in the driving. I went to the mall yesterday with a few people I hadn't seen and forever. Aw, I missed them. And even though I am PMSing like never before I had a good time. I was up late last night, making amixed CD. (for The Hill)
And today I think I'm hanging out with Sarah. I'll give her a call as soon as the blood returns to the rest of my body and I don't smell like a mixture of the garage and sweat- which means after I take a shower.
Yup. Way more information than you'll ever need or want to know. Have a nice day! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2004|06:46 pm] |
"You've totally blown all my trust in you. You've completely let me down"
It keeps running over and over in my mind. My mom shouldn't trust me, but she did, and that meant something. My grades came in... not so good. i actually thought they were going to be worse. She says i've shot my chances of getting into a good school. They're were alot of abscences from the few times I skipped so she thinks I was out doing drugs. Shitty grades, messy room, and a fucked up attitude, and I'ma bad kid.
I mean, I guess she's right. I'm not exactly proud of what I've done since I moved here. I would love to erase it all, stay safe in Germany. I mean this weekend (camping) I definetly partied harder than I would like my mom to ever find out, but I still considered myself a good kid. Damn... I feel like crying. I didn't cry, but I want to. Either that or throwing up, maybe running away. But everyone knows that doesn't solve anything.
Art: A-
Hon CHem: D+
French: C+
Eng: B
US Hist: A-
MAth Anlys: C
I'm hoping those are just the final quarter grades. And my grades from earlier will balance them out in the final semester grades. But I think this is it. Shit.
How can I make those grades up? It's too late for summer school. Any suggestions? fuck, Fuck, FUCK.
help. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 24th, 2004|11:03 pm] |
I just got back from a long walk with John and Danielle and... some guy they know. Apparently he went to our school, but I don't know him. I'm kinda sad I'm leaving next year for middle college now. I only went to Willowglen a year, and now I have these loosly established friendships that will inevitably fall apart and I'll be left alone. That's the downfall of moving alot I suppose.
So... summer has been not too shabby. Not too shabby. I am loving my art classes. I neve get any time to just enjoy Fresco though. I'm always rushing from one place to another. I am reafirmed yet again in my own selfsufficience. (self sufficient-ness)
Did I talk about the day at the beach with Sarah and Chris or my drinking escapad with Jill, Shawn, and Matt. And shooping with Adam. I can't remember. Huh, I guess it's not all that important. I have no motivation to write here... I've been religiously keeping a written journal. In those you can actually say what you want, but then again the run the risk of being found.
so... I leave for camping tomorrow. I shall check in when I return. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 22nd, 2004|01:07 am] |
Oops, there went Father's Day. I forgot to call me dad... wonder if he'll even notice.
week is shaping up nicely;
monday: first day of art classes in Fresco went very well. Cake and good times at Danielle's and Jon's. Ah, twins are cute.
Tuesday: Becca Becca/Sarah shopping... I have no money. I need money (or do I?)
Wensday: Up in the air, hopefully involves funny people and alcohol
Thursday: more classes, already met some cool people
Friday: (...)
just enough room for some spontenuity (sp)
Favorite quote from today- I talked with this kid Matt in my drawing class. He was really funny. SO we got on the bus after class and it was packed and alot of us had to stand in the aisle. So we're getting thrown around, and suddenly he totally fell on me. He looks up and goes "Damn these heels." WHy it was so randomly funny I couldn't say. But it's going in the book, I don't have a book. nm.
I R sleep deprived. nighty night |
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| Nevets |
[Jun. 19th, 2004|12:21 am] |
Fresco tomorrow. kinda nervous. lack talent. comittement.
Moneys sucks. Look into medication for anxiety. Can I have serious anxiety preoblems at this age? yes. Need job.
Need weed/alcohol... whatever you got. |
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| I am most definetly PMS'n |
[Jun. 18th, 2004|05:15 pm] |
AH! I swear to fucking God, I feel like breaking necks right now. Maybe I'll go down town and try to get in a fight. Blood sounds good...
Well, it's summer. And so far it's the same old shit. It's just a bunch of obligations and committements. Mom hassling me about a job, money, car.... everything. And I go out and have fun with my friends to avoid being home. my home feels suffocating. i walked for a good two hours last night. I think I finally fell asleep about three... and my head hurts right now.
You know when salavia keeps filling up your mouth right before you puke... yeah... that's how I feel.
Ugh. Shoot me. Straight through the fucken head.
Nevemind... talk to me in a week.. whatever.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2004|08:19 pm] |
AH. I hate you. (That was directed at anyone) So it's been crazy... there are just one more day of school before I have complete freedom, well, that's a big fat lie. I'm already being tied down to all these commitements. And my mom is bitching me out every other minute about one thing or another. Get a fucken life....
I worked friday night/went out with a fwe people. We went to a carnival and then down town Sna Jose. My toe started bleeding a Ben & Jerry's because I had cracked it open on the heel of my mom's shoe earlier. Damn her again! Then saturday I chilled with my mom and such. I was gonna hang out with Sephanie Ramirez, but it just didn't go through. She's cool though. Then saturday I went to Michael's house. It was his brthday thing and it was alot of fun. (Ah... I love Michale Greene) And his newest girl was there, she was cute, it wasen't so bad, there was room for more akwardness.... then I saw Saved! and it was good.
It looks like I'm signing up for art classes this summer at the Academy of Art San Francisco. I really wanna stay in the dorms, but that is lookin' too expensive. Damn my mother... it'll be a hassle to commute down there every other day, but if I just stayed there...ah... that would be good. Hmm, maybe I can beg her, debt is good says that man.
(*I swear, I learned it in history, you spend money when the economy is down and then pay back when it rises again. It all works out.*) But I guess that doesn't apply here.
I can't decide... Paitning, Sculpture, or Drawing & composition. I can take two. I think I'll pick the first two listed.
well, damn. Talk to you all later. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 13th, 2004|09:36 am] |
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY RACHEL!!!!!!!!!
I'm a horrible friend. I was gonna call you at two in the morning (the time she was born) but.... you know.... I didn't wake up. So I called you the exact moment I woke up at nine, first thing on my mind. I hope your Birthday goes okay, but don't worry, we'll make up for it later.
I <3 (we) you Rachel! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 12th, 2004|07:34 pm] |
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
Do not take part in the sausage. Apparently it steals your passwords and fucks everything up. Then you are locked out of your journal. Circumsize the sausage, it's best for the safety of all. Change your password now! now. now. now.
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 9th, 2004|12:45 am] |
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I'M DYING. SHOOT ME NOW. JUST SHOOT ME NOW. I'M ACTUALLY HAVING A PANIC ATTCK. I CAN FEEL MY HEART EXPLODING... I THINK I MIGHT PASS OUT. I'VE PENT THE PAST THREE NIGHTS UP TILL THREE EDITING THIS DAMN FILM NOIR AND THE WHOLE WEEK BEFORE FILMING, NOW MY COMPUTER HAS LOST IT. LOST IT? KILL ME.... or help me... really crying... |
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